My New Fucking Year’s Resolutions
Apparently, there’s an earth tradition at the end of every man-made calendar year that one makes resolutions for the following year. These weak, watered-down promises are forgotten within 2 weeks, and nothing ever changes. At he end of the next year, nobody feels like they kept their resolutions – if they even remember them.
The problem is a lack of targets. Everyone says they want to lose weight, or quit smoking or whatever – but they don’t set targets. So it doesn’t matter if they fail.
So, for the first time, I’m going to make some resolutions for the new year, most of which have actual targets. I’m going to have a bit of a rant while I’m at it. Bear with me.
1. Get better friends
The reason I’m at home on my own watching the fucking Hootenanny again this year is because a friend let me down at the last minute. Someone who I would consider one of my best friends.
Not that good a friend, then, really. I believe it’s because he’s chasing tail. ‘Bro’s before ‘ho’s, I thought, but apparently not.
To be fair, it’s my fault. When you live in the middle of nowhere, and you work more hours than the average person, it’s a little tough to find people – but I haven’t made much of an effort. So, I’m going to do exactly that. I’m going to find some nice people to hang around with. Preferably not virtual.
2. Lose 3 stone
Because I am a fat motherfucker. I hate feeling uncomfortable in my own skin, I hate walking into a shop and instantly breaking into a sweat, and I hate not feeling confident because I think people are counting my sodding chins.
Most of the time, I don’t think about it. And that’s the problem. When I was running One Fat Git my weight was constantly front of mind, and now, I try to forget about it. And eat too much chocolate cake.
Again, it’s my own stupid fault. I eat too much, and I try not to move unless I’m being chased by a ravenous animal.
3 stone seems like a lot, but over a year, it’s less than a pound a week. It’s not that much, and I would think it’s a fairly healthy weekly amount to lose. I may even start up One Fat Git again. Who knows.
3. Work harder
I work out of hours, but I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. I need to stay focussed, and plan my work better. Time management is very difficult when you’ve got a huge tasklist and a team and lots going on – and I will get better.
If you work with me and I’ve done something that could have been done better, I would hope that you’d tell me. I can take criticism, despite appearances. If I’ve done something wrong, fucked about, been too slow or delivered something that’s less than perfect, then call me a cunt and tell me to do it again. It’s for my own good. If you like, I’ll promise to do the same in return.
4. Save some money
Having had a fairly shitty time between the ages of 14-20, I was left with money problems. Money is tough when you’re young, and things like credit and mortgages are hard to come by when you’ve not borrowed before. Unfortunately, I moved away from home very early and it cocked up my finances somewhat, and I’m still paying the price. By the end of the year, it would be nice to say that I’m actually saving money, rather than paying off money-grabbing soul-destroying credit providers.
I guess we’ll have to see about that one.
5. Raise £1000 for charity
I don’t do enough for charity. I don’t think anyone really does enough (apart from this guy). So I’m pledging to do more this year.
My favourite charity is Cats Protection – all our family cats were rehomed from our local branch, and I give to them when I can.
They do shitloads to raise awareness in this country of pet cruelty, neutering and rehoming, and they’re all super-lovely.
I’ve already set up a Direct Debit for £15 per month (enough to feed one cat), which is a teensy amount to get started with, but I’ll be giving more when I can and will attempt a few money-raising schemes later in the year. I’ll be shaking you motherfutons down when the time comes. Get your wallets ready.
Hey, don’t look at me. If you’re happy to caption one of these poor creatures into lolcat memedom, then you should at least give a few quid to keep a few alive. Don’t be a tightarse.
6. Learn more about football
Haha, just kidding! Football can go fuck itself.
7. Drag a nice lady-person back to my cave
This one’s optional, I suppose, because if I set this as a target and it hasn’t been achieved by late December then my only option would be raping.
I wasted a lot of time with someone this year, who turned out not to be all that nice. I’m not doing that again. So along with point 1, I shall go out more often, and this will help me meet some pleasant ladyfolk, one of which may not be so repulsed by my appearance or bored by my lack of social skills that they don’t vomit on my shoes, and that would be nice.
That’s about it, I think. Obviously, the way to make sure I continue keeping these promises is to keep you lot informed, so you can whip me into shape if things go awry.
And I mean it. Seriously, if I put on 3 pounds in a week, go out with a bimbo who takes me for a ride, or do some shit work then you have the authority to punch me in the face, and stamp on my toes. I won’t press charges, I promise.
Leave your comment below. Go wild! Just curb the naughty words. Actually, fuck that, go nuts.
Oh man am I looking forward to punching you in the face when you fuck up! Good set of pledges, all the best in achieving them. I’m dieting from Monday, so for now I’m off to eat a family steak and ale pie to myself and play some xbox. Recommend running a marathon to kick points 2 and 5!